Next Page

His name was Ed but I called him "The Penis That Destroyed Ventura, California". As usual, he'd grin ear to ear and nod his head in recognition of his "accomplishments" in pursuit of said title. "Yeah, that's me. Big Penis." I’d shake my head, grinning as well, thinking “All looks, no brains. God, you have a funny way of playing with people.”

I met Ed while directing theatrical productions at the Plaza Players Theatre, then (until it's closing a few years ago), the oldest non-stop continuing community theatre group west of the Rockies. Ed was mainly doing ensemble and bit parts since he wasn't the world's most accomplished or disciplined actor (evidenced by the other director’s constant bellows of "ED, YOU MISSED YOUR CUE"), and as far as I could discern, his primary reason for being in theatre was mainly to pick up girls, then pick up more girls, and when he was done, look for even more girls. One might safely infer that he liked girls. Ed used to happily repeat ad nauseum to everyone that his favorite perfume was "Estrogen". But I digress…

Now, Ed had two goals in life: the first was to be like the Patrick Swayze character in the movie "ROAD HOUSE". For those of you that haven't seen this movie, it's critically known as "splendidly bad" macho-guy action flick filled with "gratuitous sex and violence at every turn"; Patrick Swayze plays Dalton, a top-notch bouncer who's hired to clean up a den of iniquity. According to the IMDB (Internet Movie Database), "His nights are filled with fast action, hot music and beautiful women. It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it." A pure rootin-tootin macho movie and Ed worked at becoming just like the Dalton/Swayze bouncer character. Now as I said, as an actor, Ed was stiff as one of the boards on the stage, but remember, he had 2 goals, one of which was to be a bouncer, and well, let's just say the 2nd wasn't to be an actor.

ED (or The Penis That Destroyed Ventura)